Seeing friends in a new light
// Filed in: Engaging Our Kids | Specific Elements
I recently heard from a mother, sharing her child’s experience with Pirate’s Guide. Overall, they enjoyed the material, but one exercise in particular had been difficult: within the “connections” chapter, there is an exercise asking them to list 5 friends. Her child did not have five friends, and so it was an understandably sore topic to work on. It broke my heart.
I immediately went my husband, and shared it with him, and since, when he isn’t being a notorious storytelling pirate captain, he is incredibly insightful, he had a few thoughts that I think are valuable.
It boils down to taking a step back, and redefining what we mean by “friends.” In the context of the connections' lesson, we are trying to point out how we have connections with people, and then what creates or is a result of those connections. We generally define a friend as someone with whom we have a mutual affection. But my husband remembered when our son was 2. He didn’t have many “real” friends at that age, but had a best friend: Goofy. We lived in southern California, and had seasons passes to Disneyland, and so went regularly. His favorite activity there was a dancing stage show starring Goofy. We went every single visit, and my son would sit in rapt attention before Goofy and his friends, and dance along, and then wait in line, EVERY TIME, so that he could get a hug or give a high five. At home, he would wear his Goofy jacket, talk about Goofy, and dance like Goof. He CONNECTED with Goofy, deeply. Goofy was a friend.
We also pondered how much our world, particularly right now with Covid isolation, has become increasingly online and “connected” via social media. We “friend” someone (a verb now) on social media, not because we have a mutual affection, but because we feel and want to be connected with either who they are or what they are doing. Often we don’t know these people we feel a kinship with. Like a character in a book whom we relate to, there are folks with youtube channels or instagram feeds who we respond to and want to “connect with” - even though it is one sided. I take weekly online art classes, and after a year of those, feel like the teacher is a “friend,” that I know her well, even though she has no idea I exist. While this isn’t a traditional “mutual affection” based friend, it does provide a genuine point of connection, something of a modern friend. I think too of all those kids who are playing video games and have “friends” out there in cyberspace that they play with.
So, in the context of the specific lessons on friends, what if friends was redefined in a way that each of us could relate to? Are there characters in a book or show that we connect with or feel close to? Special people who aren’t peers but that connect with us? Any of these might be considered friends, and looking at it in this light, might really turn it on its head - where we once struggled to find five friends, we might now have 20!
I don’t want in anyway to minimize the importance, value, or necessity of having in person, mutual friendships. But there are circumstances, seasons, and realities that may make that something rare in our lives, or in the lives of our children. Being open to viewing friend connections in a broader sense can open us up to receiving the gift that these “friends” can be.
I immediately went my husband, and shared it with him, and since, when he isn’t being a notorious storytelling pirate captain, he is incredibly insightful, he had a few thoughts that I think are valuable.
It boils down to taking a step back, and redefining what we mean by “friends.” In the context of the connections' lesson, we are trying to point out how we have connections with people, and then what creates or is a result of those connections. We generally define a friend as someone with whom we have a mutual affection. But my husband remembered when our son was 2. He didn’t have many “real” friends at that age, but had a best friend: Goofy. We lived in southern California, and had seasons passes to Disneyland, and so went regularly. His favorite activity there was a dancing stage show starring Goofy. We went every single visit, and my son would sit in rapt attention before Goofy and his friends, and dance along, and then wait in line, EVERY TIME, so that he could get a hug or give a high five. At home, he would wear his Goofy jacket, talk about Goofy, and dance like Goof. He CONNECTED with Goofy, deeply. Goofy was a friend.
We also pondered how much our world, particularly right now with Covid isolation, has become increasingly online and “connected” via social media. We “friend” someone (a verb now) on social media, not because we have a mutual affection, but because we feel and want to be connected with either who they are or what they are doing. Often we don’t know these people we feel a kinship with. Like a character in a book whom we relate to, there are folks with youtube channels or instagram feeds who we respond to and want to “connect with” - even though it is one sided. I take weekly online art classes, and after a year of those, feel like the teacher is a “friend,” that I know her well, even though she has no idea I exist. While this isn’t a traditional “mutual affection” based friend, it does provide a genuine point of connection, something of a modern friend. I think too of all those kids who are playing video games and have “friends” out there in cyberspace that they play with.
So, in the context of the specific lessons on friends, what if friends was redefined in a way that each of us could relate to? Are there characters in a book or show that we connect with or feel close to? Special people who aren’t peers but that connect with us? Any of these might be considered friends, and looking at it in this light, might really turn it on its head - where we once struggled to find five friends, we might now have 20!
I don’t want in anyway to minimize the importance, value, or necessity of having in person, mutual friendships. But there are circumstances, seasons, and realities that may make that something rare in our lives, or in the lives of our children. Being open to viewing friend connections in a broader sense can open us up to receiving the gift that these “friends” can be.
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